OGR 25/01/17Hi Ciaran - thanks for being patient (am writing this from my hotel room at the airport!). I do think this story is going to work - but I don't think your audience knows as much about the concept of the living ship as you do - that information isn't in your script yet and so isn't available to the audience. We don't know that the ship is 'alive' and your story starts with it crashing - so I think you need to back up a bit in terms of your ACT 1 set-up and tell the audience that this is so: it might be that in a simple series of steadicam-style shots, you take us on a tour through the ship as in Alien, and somehow show us the 'aliveness' as a concept before you present is with its death. It maybe that you've got this figured out already in terms of visual design/storytelling, it's just your script isn't explaining this element. I do like the immediacy of beginning with the crisis - very engaging. It's possible that the ending of the story - with the egg hatching and the creature resembling the spaceship is 'enough' to explain what the relationship is between the craft and the pilot - but it may mean you may need to run your story a bit further, so we see the ship 'growing' again and then admitting the alien into it and the alien returning to the point where it was originally, so closing the loop in the audience's mind? Either way, you've got a concept at the heart of your story that needs to be articulated successfully. In terms of the threat to the egg - I can see how you can do all of this in a series of quick montage-style shots - and I do think, what with the alien mise-en-scene, you could afford to exploit the potential a bit more, so yes, while there might be a storm to two, how about some other extraterrestrial predators - and a bit more conflict, so the alien fighting things off and showing his determination a bit more proactively. I think you could have more fun with your concept - and in terms of design, you could get involved with a bit more creature design too.
Thanks for the feedback. The design of the ship as a living animal is designed to be shown visually (At the moment i'm thinking of it as a giant space slug with machinery bolted on), but I will try and describe it better in text.The main issue I'm having with this story is the time limit. It's hard to think up a more complex sequence of events that I can resolve in 2 minutes. Anything I add to this would have to be either rushed or replace something else.As for resolving the story the final shot would show the camp and ship machinery in the background, implying that they can survive and eventually escape. As I've said it all comes down to time, either I majorly rework the story or keep the ending fairly condensed.There is a good chance that I could find out some areas I can cut down without trouble doing a story board or animatic. The crash and death of the spaceship takes up a lot of time that I could maybe streamline.I'll come up with some ideas of things I can add to make a more complex story. I won't be able to use them all, but I might find something better than what I've got.
I think that 'montage' and 'dissolves' and other cinematic ways of compressing time are the answer to your duration issue: the protecting of the egg sequence could compress three or four 'perils' into a quick-fire series of tableaux or moments. It's about creative problem solving - how can you get what you need into this story but keep within the 2 minutes?
Come on, Ciaran - let's see some movement on here please!
If you're not following our third year blogs... you should be: if you're not, I want you to start with these two blogs, in so much as the types of projects here relate to your FSTS project - original scripts into animatics, requiring character design pipelines etc. I want you all to spend some time really looking at these projects because they are why you're doing what you're doing and why it's worth it - and why making your own animations from scratch is a really complex, challenging and exciting business!https://charlieserafini.blogspot.co.uk/search/label/Minor%20Projecthttp://tsyganproduction.blogspot.co.ukPlease add these blogs to your Blogger reading lists so you can keep up with their updates - let's call it a reality check - and a goal!